Dan's Worst Films of 2013
Posted by Daniel Mann (follow me @danielma861)
Greetings and salutations on this fine Boxing Day. I hope you all enjoyed your Christmas Day with your loved ones. Not only did yesterday bring yuletide joy, but it also marked the first year anniversary of Neon Maniacs. As such, I have to pass along a massive thanks to our Editor in Chief Stephen Lambrechts for allowing me to come aboard and share my ramblings on a frequent basis. Here’s to you good sir. But enough with the gratitude’s as it is that time of year again where everyone is compiling their Best and Worst of the Year lists. So without further ado, here are the Ten Worst Films I saw this year.
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10.) Texas Chainsaw 3D
Director: John Lussenhop
“Is it a reboot? Is it a sequel? Is it a prequel? Is it a completely pointless entry into a once well-respected franchise? Or is it a desperate cash grab? Answer; It’s pretty much all of the above. Here is my personal plea to Hollywood. Please leave this bloated dead corpse of a franchise alone. Better yet, if you must do something with it then please give it to someone who cares enough to do something of interest with it.”
09.) Identity Thief
Director: Seth Gordon
“According to the so called logic of Identity Thief; not only is Credit Card fraud hysterically funny, but we should also feel empathy for the 'hapless' saps that commit such crimes. Good to know movie, good to know.”
08.) A Haunted House Director: Marlon Wayans
“A parody of the Paranormal Activity franchise did sound promising. No really, it did. It’s a franchise that is ripe for parody. Too bad it was Marlon Wayans claiming responsibility. I could say thank god it wasn’t a Friedberg/Seltzer joint. But that’s like saying Breast Cancer is better then Bowel Cancer. At the end of the day it’s still cancer”
07.) The Hangover Part III
Director: Todd Phillips
“The Hangover Part III reeks. There is no sugar coating it. It’s a putrid waste of time. It’s a mean spirited black-hearted vile anti-comedy. In retrospect, this is a perfect example of a film that didn’t need to be stretched out to a trilogy. Once was more than adequate, the second time was unnecessary and the third time is a miserable pale shadow of its former self. The overbearing emphasis on cruelty is staggeringly misguided and worse still; it’s not funny.
I give Todd Phillips minor points for attempting to deviate from formula, but deviating ever so slightly doesn’t make your Comedy funny.”
06.) The Last Exorcism Part II
Director: Ed Gass-Donnelly
“ZZZZZZZZZZZZ. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ. ZZZZZZZZZZ. Oh sorry did I fall asleep again? Well I guess its only fitting considering The Last Exorcism Part II had a nasty habit of putting me to sleep. The Last Exorcism Part II is a redundant boring follow up to an already average film. It’s not offensively bad, rather it’s just so painfully dull.”
05.) jOBS
Director: Joshua Michael Stern
“Much like a Wikipedia page, Jobs skims through all of the important details of Steve Jobs life. The problem is that it never once stops to dig below the surface. Structurally speaking it is a mess. Plot points are raised as quickly as they are dropped. It looks like a glossy commercial for Apple. The dialog rings so artificial that Apple’s Marketing Team might as well have written it. It is a singular vision filtered through the lens of an Apple fan boy. It is far too concerned with celebrating Apple’s achievements to bother exploring who Steve Jobs was as a person.”
04.) Grown Ups 2
Director: Dennis Dugan
“Grown Ups 2 is yet another excuse for Adam Sandler to go on a holiday with his buddies. It’s a film that is entirely made up of recycled jokes stitched together by a paper-thin plot. It is without question lazy film making at its most base. Once you’ve witnessed the scene of a deer pissing all over Salma Hayek and her children, then you know you’ve entered a deep dark abyss for which there is no return. Adam, please stop with the mediocrity.”
03.) Movie 43
Directors: Various
“Movie 43 is a compilation of random gross out sketches. Including such ‘charming’ scenarios as Hugh Jackman with Genitalia dangling on his Neck. Another sketch observes abusive incestuous parents whom home school their child. ‘Well, that was a non-stop riotous laugh fest’ said no one.
If I were given the opportunity to indulge a preferred choice of drug, it wouldn’t make Movie 43 any funnier. Hell, I would go so far as to argue that being beat over the head with a hammer still wouldn’t make Movie 43 any funnier. It is quite simply a gaping abyss void of anything resembling genuine comedy. It is a waste of talent, a waste of time and a waste of money.
02.) After Earth
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
“After Earth is yet another M.Night Shymalongadingdong flop. In a blatant case of Nepotism, Will Smith and his son Jaden headline as a father-son combination stranded on an abandoned planet Earth. Somehow, someway Shymalan manages to take one of Hollywood’s most charismatic leading men and strip him down to his most repugnant. Meanwhile, Jaden Smith displays no range what so ever as he forces himself into sad face mode throughout the entirety of the film. I’ve seen comparisons made with Battlefield Earth, but I wouldn't even give it that distinction. At least Battlefield Earth is amusing in its incompetence. By comparison, After Earth is just an excruciatingly dull vanity project.”
01.) InAPPropriate Comedy
Director: Vince Offer
"But when 2013 was all said and done, there was only one film that could possibly out stink them all. That honour belongs to the foul horror that was inAPPropriate Comedy. An absolute dismal would be Sketch Comedy that made. ‘Movie 43’ look good by comparison. In most bad movies, you can at least find one redeeming element to latch on too. The same can not be said for InAPPropriate Comedy"
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There you have it. The Ten Worst Films of 2013 as Seen By Me. What about the other side? What about My Best Films of 2013? Well that list will also be coming in a few days so stay tuned.
